Possibilities are endless
Title says it all
The moment u read this, i might just be dead already.
Or maybe, your cat died. Or maybe your neighbour's former schoolmate died. Or maybe, one of the cars in the F1 race explodes. Or maybe the Singapore Flyer topples. Or maybe my TV got turned off by my late grandmother.
Sheesh....
Everything is possible right? We're living in a city of possibilities for gods sake!!
So what's up? Are we going to dwell, sit in our chair, rot and die thinking of every possibilities, thinking of every possible contingency plan?
Are we gonna do that?
Oh I'd love to do that. Really. Since I don't make a difference in anything. I might just as well sit and think about it. I can go on thinking till every strand of hair disappears. Cry till I go blind. Rot till Tong Aik gets a phonecall.
Life can never get anymore disappointing.
It's depressing to know of your unimportance.
How friends turn their backs.
How trusted colleagues turn their trust.
All to a bloodsucking bitch who calls me an asshole.
How no one is free for a talk.
How no one even thinks of me to ask me out for an activity, walkabout, iftar or anything.
Don't blame me...! I would love to ask anyone out. But no one is fucking free!
It's either that or everyone's avoiding. Fine! Go ahead! Avoid. I have leprosy and AIDS and plaque and tartar.
Phone's not working either eh? Then throw them away.
Don't blame me if i feel like crap.
Possibilities are endless.
Don't blame me if i get worked up so easily.
I'm getting use to this crap, so i will smell like crap and talk shit. Yeah i'm getting used to this.
I want to be happy too ok. And if you dont want to share it with me. I'll just have to get used to laugh in shit alone. Don't call me crazy ok! I will talk, cry, scream, shout and laugh alone. Cos you can't be bothered to share it with me.
I'm back again
I'm here again
I relooked the place
It's just a space you know... a cyber space
But it has its own presence that keeps me coming back
Like a home
I'm back
It feels good to be home
again
The Press Brat
Deary Maya,
Spoilt... spoilt.... can't do this. Can't do that. Spoilt spoilt spoilt.. No one asked about my morale. Our morale. We trudged on. But that was different. Yeah... suay la hoh? Nothing's ever right.
Maya,
I never thought I'm gonna feel it. Whenever I heard about it, I thought those were all in the mind. I thought that they were thinking too hard. I thought they didn't have faith. Maybe cos I never felt it before. But yes. Here. Now.... amik kao!! Maya ... I'm depressed.
I miss Yan you know... everything was fine. I never had any problems with her then. I never had these problems of hurting people, making people run away, making people losing their morale, making rude people say that I'm rude..
I never had these problems with Yan. We were happy, we lived, we were young and naive. We didn't know what happened. We didn't know what hit us. We drifted apart without knowing what's going on. You have to remember Maya, that time, smses costed 30cents.
And all these years of uncertainty. Years of not knowing what's happening, what's going on. Years of confusion and not knowing what to do. We were tied down somehow or rather. Tied. Hard. Should we go on. Should we try to mend, or should we be grateful with what we have. Till now... we don't know what to do.
But all these years of uncertainty, something is certain... we have each other's heart. Somewhere. Deep inside. It's scary. My heart... it's thumping. I can feel it. But it's empty. It's somewhere out there. It's like, only the casing is here but the contents is somewhere. I lived through it. We lived through it. But yes... it's still pretty much the same.
Unbelievable. Masya Allah.
She's beautiful now. Much. She's a Hajjah now. She glows with much more radiance. She lost much more of her eyesight due to her constant cries. I never thought that can happen, but yes, it did. She's still beautiful.
Yan's getting married. I can see how hard it is for her. How hard for me to accept that. I never thought it's gonna happen. It's like that. We don't know what to do. Should we be grateful with what we have, or should we follow our heart to jump into uncertainties. Years like that, and now she's getting married. And we cleared our uncertainties and realised how stupid we were. How stupid we are.
I walked the path we strolled. I saw the sights we viewed. I sensed the air we felt.
Everywhere I turned, there's her. Everywhere I look, there's her. She's always at the corner of my eye. I can hear her calling me. I turn and no one's there. I see her sitting beside me. I turn and she disappeared. I see her standing next to me, I turn and she's there! Smiling ever so beautifully and before I can say anything, she disappears again.
I don't know what to do. I can only pray. May God show us the way.
Thank you God for Yan.
Please take care of her for me.
If only phonecalls were cheaper then..... Masya Allah.
High
Deary Maya,
I feel like I'm high on something. Haha. Unbelievable.
I'm elated, I'm so at peace. Everything looks different. Everything looks beautiful. Alhamdulillah.
Last night I had a dream. In the dream, a man said to me. He said to me something that I always wanted to say but never get to say.
It went something like this:
Whatever you did wrong but never think that you're guilty, is as much as you think that I'm guilty for the things that you think I did wrong.
Thank you man. I could have never put it better.
Sidewalk
Dear Maya,
I always have a lot of things to say to you, but I always dunno where to start. Or, whenever I face your interface, everything starts jumbling up. Haiyah... what a waste. But before this, I just can't wait to meet you here and tell you everything...
nvm
Anyway, I got to talk to Yan. Yan has always been my pillar of strength. Simply unbelievable. Even though Yan's not around, Yan can make things happen.
I didn't talk to Yan about my problems. I didn't even mention anything. We just chatted and chatted and caught up. It was probably the most fun conversation I've ever had in a long time. We shared stories, both sad and happy. We laughed, we sighed.... it was magical. I was happy enough Yan called. I was happy enough to talk to someone. I don't need a solution.
Strangely, Yan came to a topic. A topic full of my words and lines. I don't remember mentioning anything to Yan. It just happened. And I asked, how could you come out with all these? And Yan said, it jus blurted out of my mouth. I didn't think about it, didn't think about what to say. It just came out. And Yan continued, maybe God wants me to say them to you.... I dunno...
Yan said something like this... I can't remember word for word. Anwar, you're on the wrong side. I was there too.. with you and without you. And I know how you feel. I couldn't fit in. I don't want to be good or be seen. I just want to fit in. But I can't. It was worse when I was alone. And I came back to this side. The side that we both know where we should be. I'm here now.
Goodness.... where did Yan came out with that? Yan could see through my brain?
Come back Anwar. You were here, we were here, we chose to take a peek and before you go too far, come back. It's hard but it's not that difficult. I came back alone and now I'm not alone here. I'm a more complete person over here. If I can come back alone, so can you. You know what to do. Just do it.
Masya Allah, you have no idea, how that simple conversation that came out of nothing open up my eyes. More so, Yan was speaking in my language, my lingo, my terms, that didn't just go straight to my brain and stabbed my heart but like a cool menthol cigarette smoke that make you high.
Thank you Yan.
Don't thank me. Thank Allah for choosing me to tell you all this. Pray for me, that's what I need.
After everything. I stopped crying. It was a strange feeling to express. Thank you.
I stilll want to thank Yan. I was worried but Yan made me believe without even pulling. I'm going back. I'm going to jump back in and jump around and screaming and laughing and rolling everywhere. Yan gave me a reason to live. Yan gave me a reason to live this life. Yan gave me a reason to live this life on this side. Yan gave me a reason to live this life on this side with an objective. Love hurts, love is magical cos love is intangible.
Yan.. wait for me!!
no surprises
Dear Maya,
Show's ended. Now I can talk to you more often.
Like I said, I will only talk to you. If a person is close to me, I will not bother him with my issues. If the person is not close to me, I will not bother to bother him with my issues.
Then even to you Maya, I will not talk about Shasha. She will say that I'm telling about her to the whole world. She have her friends and my friends to talk to. She have everyone to listen to her side of her story. She can have everyone she wants to back her up. No one listens to my side of the story cos I'm not telling. She can have all my friends if she want. Go ahead. Listen to her side. Go ahead...
I am depressed. I have no one to talk to. Even if I do, they will just listen. I don't need that. They don't need to hear from me either. I just want a company. Someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, cry with, sit with and everything with. Not only laugh with.... but cry with...
I miss yan.... i really need help this time...
mayday
de stre.....
distress signal
yan..where are you?
Dream on
Dear Maya,
Pagi-pagi aku dah terpacak depan komputer. Haha. Pagi ke hapa! Dah pukul spulo pun.
Just thought of keying them down before I forget.
Of all things that I wish I'm not, there's one that I wish would not change.
My dreams.
No.... not those dreams to be a filthy rich minister or a scheming taxi driver. But my dreams.
My brains that generates all my dreams. Dreams that happens whenever I sleep.
I almost never had an experience of sleeping without any dreams. Even when I nod off anytime anywhere, a dream will surely happen. 75% of the time, I will remember my dreams, the others, I will forget. They're cool.
I take it as a gift. I can control my dreams. I can choose what to dream of. I can choose the path of my dreams. I can choose what to do during my dreams. I can choose to snap out of it and I can choose to continue from the dream that I left of whenever I was snapped out from it whenever the lori pasar downstairs rolls off loudly.
But most of the times, I choose to let the dreams flow. More fun that way. Not knowing what you're gonna dream today. Not knowing what's gonna happen, who you're going to meet.
Dreams are the only time for me where I can see and meet my missed ones, my loved ones, those who I missed and never seen again. Dreams are the only time where I can be wherever I can never be or can never be again. I found myself in Anfield facing Tottenham, I found myself in the pre-renovated Ahmad Ibrahim. I found myself at the National Library with only babes below 25 as Library Officers. etc... etc.... and the vision are as clear as can be. I don't even have to sleep with my specs on.
In dreams, I get to feel my lost feelings, missing, being missed, letting go my frustrations at someone that I can never get to do, strangling, decapitating and volley the head into space. Presenting a ferrari for someone's birthday, giving a simple rose on her special day, riding a tiger to work, jump off my window and fly to any place I want to be and I tell you, the view of Singapore from the sky is beautiful, flying low and whizzing pass buildings is breathtaking, landing on your loved one's window and giving her a surprise before lifting her off to sky to enjoy the night view of your country. A view where you can never see the vices within it. Lying down on the clouds with angels serving you coke and mutton chop from Newton's Nur Biasa.
Some things only happens in dreams. Some things in dreams, will never happen. Some times, dreams do come true, sometimes dreams lead you to an ambition, sometimes everything is just a dream, at most times I always wish they can all come true.
I never want to wake up.
Some things
Dear Maya,
Some things are not meant to be yours. Aku ingat lagi mak aku cakap macam tu.
No matter how hard you look after it, care for it, love it, everything and anything it, if it's not meant to be yours, it won't be yours.
Some things are not meant to be yours.
No matter how hard you look for it, save for it, yearn for it, travelled the world for it, age for it, run for it, wait for it, and when it passes in front of you, you still can't own it.
Cos it's not meant to be yours.
sedih eh...?
Goes out and came out
Elo Maya,
Lama aku tak berbual dengan kau. Sorry. Hari tu internet connection kat rumah aku ada maintenance. Starhub peh keje la. Because of that, the momentum kena disrupt. I'll try to write as frequent as I can ok?
Semalam, the sun finally came out again. Cantik sekali! Such a beautiful day. After seeing some pictures on an internet album that made me feel down, I decided to go for a walk with my D300. Belum test dia lagi. And the day was bright enuff to go testing. So I headed to Chinatown.
Azmi Hashim said, "I found comfort in cooking again". Cooking was his getaway. Now at this age, when you have lost all your friends to time, I found my getaways again. Kawan melepak dah hilang, kawan main bola dah hilang, kawan main music dah hilang. I found comfort in my forgotten getaways. I realised how much I missed walking. Walk and walk and walk.... with music in my ears. And now.... a camera in my hands. I've always love to keep an image of the things that I see. When I didn't have my camera then, I had my trusted sketch book and drawing materials. I would find a good place to sit, and start drawing, and drawing and drawing everything that I see. I can't draw anything for nuts now... sheesh....
Went to TK for rehearsals and read January's Manja. The only edition that I looked forward to. And they covered Adib and Campur Satu. Happy for Adib. Rezeki dia. Not that I'm jealous. I'm upset cos all the things that we brought up during the interview on local malay theatre was not even mentioned. I was looking forward for that. I thought, finally all these talks and complains and unknowned situations will be brought to light. Brought to the "normal" people. But no..... nothing.... nothing.... dammit man. I was very very upset. To think that I had to skip watching Pentas to attend the interview. Haiyah..... what's new.. Should already know the media by now than to expect anything from them.
And Ema called looking for talents. I'll be having a shoot tonight. Overnite, with Saiful, Zamri, Syida and Siti Z. Sounds fun... ok la... back to work again. I miss Siti Z. Can't wait to meet her later.
Now I need to prepare my stuff for rehearsals. See you tomoro Maya. Don't wait up for me.
mmmuah.
